It’s so easy to feel defeated as a parent working a job, doing ALL the things and raising children with minimal support but I appreciate Tracey’s idea of “evolutionary mismatch”.
We can be kinder to ourselves when we remember we’re primates - living in a nuclear unit that doesn’t match up with what our children (and the part of us that’s not solely ‘mum’) actually need to thrive.
“I forgot to mention I believe I experienced alloparenting firsthand. My mother and father were very young when I was born, so the care and guidance of my great-mother, grandmother, aunties, uncles, even my older sister, and the wider community all helped shape the rhythm and texture of my early life. It was truly a shared weaving of my childhood.”
While I’ve gloriously deconverted , the church I grew up in provided this. It was just a non-evangelical community of people who loved well, and 5 decades later, and even though we rarely see each other, I know I have 10 or so older parent figures I could call anytime if I needed. Sad my now 30ish kids never had this
Alloparenting. Interesting. Isn’t that kind of what a nursey is. For people working a 9-5 job it is the only option.
Even with a nursey. I totally agree outside help is beneficial. I just wish there was more support for parents in our society. Ideally allowing people to look after our own kids more, by allowing people to not work as much.
Thanks Rob. Yes nurseries can provide this to a certain degree, though they can tend to be under-resourced and overstretched, they can be unaffordable, and don't work for everybody. And as you say, even with nurseries, more help is definitely needed. Totally agree about working less.
Hi, interesting post! I'm all in support of the idea and have myself written that Westerners should learn from non-Western parenting practices. However, I wondered if when a child becomes of school age it may become difficult to implement the idea... may be not as the summer holidays tend to be long but still it may be something to consider. The fact that parents have much less flexibility after their child becomes of school age
Thanks Valentina! Yes the school system can be a huge barrier. When you try to do something slightly different from the norm, you suddenly bump against all these social systems - school systems, the way work is organised, borders, housing, healthcare.
Thanks for writing this despite recent exhaustion, I feel you!
I first heard about alloparenting via Tracey Cassels https://evolutionaryparenting.com/when-being-a-primate-makes-parenting-so-much-harder/
It’s so easy to feel defeated as a parent working a job, doing ALL the things and raising children with minimal support but I appreciate Tracey’s idea of “evolutionary mismatch”.
We can be kinder to ourselves when we remember we’re primates - living in a nuclear unit that doesn’t match up with what our children (and the part of us that’s not solely ‘mum’) actually need to thrive.
Thanks Jeni and thanks for the link! Totally agree, this setup doesn't work for either children or parents.
“I forgot to mention I believe I experienced alloparenting firsthand. My mother and father were very young when I was born, so the care and guidance of my great-mother, grandmother, aunties, uncles, even my older sister, and the wider community all helped shape the rhythm and texture of my early life. It was truly a shared weaving of my childhood.”
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm sure every family arrangement has its challenges but this sounds really rich and full.
Lovely!
While I’ve gloriously deconverted , the church I grew up in provided this. It was just a non-evangelical community of people who loved well, and 5 decades later, and even though we rarely see each other, I know I have 10 or so older parent figures I could call anytime if I needed. Sad my now 30ish kids never had this
That sounds wonderful! Religious communities often seem to be able to give this, though as you suggest I'm sure there can be other issues there.
For me, it’s the difference between people loving me because they love me/we love each other- not doing community to recruit into the kingdom
Yes this makes a lot of sense to me
Alloparenting. Interesting. Isn’t that kind of what a nursey is. For people working a 9-5 job it is the only option.
Even with a nursey. I totally agree outside help is beneficial. I just wish there was more support for parents in our society. Ideally allowing people to look after our own kids more, by allowing people to not work as much.
It’s a real balancing act.
Thanks Rob. Yes nurseries can provide this to a certain degree, though they can tend to be under-resourced and overstretched, they can be unaffordable, and don't work for everybody. And as you say, even with nurseries, more help is definitely needed. Totally agree about working less.
I also like the idea of parenting clans. where parents with kids the same age team up and become causal larger family units.
Love the idea of parenting clans! Also with kids of different ages.
Hi, interesting post! I'm all in support of the idea and have myself written that Westerners should learn from non-Western parenting practices. However, I wondered if when a child becomes of school age it may become difficult to implement the idea... may be not as the summer holidays tend to be long but still it may be something to consider. The fact that parents have much less flexibility after their child becomes of school age
Thanks Valentina! Yes the school system can be a huge barrier. When you try to do something slightly different from the norm, you suddenly bump against all these social systems - school systems, the way work is organised, borders, housing, healthcare.
Beautiful! Yes, THIS! Xx
Thank you!